Posts Tagged ‘man-flu’

The last couple of days have sucked so badly. As you can see from my last post, this is the first one in a couple of days since my valiant fight against man-flu. Unfortunately toward the end of Tuesday I succumbed to the evil virus (that was probably created in a lab by Germaine Greer to halt the rise of men) and I could barely open my eyes.

I went home on Tuesday afternoon and right to bed. I woke up on Wednesday with the worst feeling ever. I felt as though Vanessa Feltz was sitting on my chest, while Walt Disney blew smoke into my lungs. My nose streamed like a leaked Britney song, and in the last two days I’ve been through more tissues than teenage boy who just found his dads Playboys.

My missus went to her work and left me for dead in the flat. Wrapped in a duvet, I headed for the couch, which remained my place of healing for two days. In this time I began to notice weird things. Like when the Salon door across the roads door opens it screeches mildly, and it grinds when it shuts. It’s not quite loud enough to be annoying, but it’s loud enough to allow you to count how many people go in and out.

Another thing I noticed is that I have an extreme knee jerk reaction to seeing monsters. Yup. Huge monsters.

Ok well not exactly monsters, but I swear I was freaking out every few minutes at bits of fluff that looked like giant demons from the pits of hell but in reality were just big because they were close to my face. That wasn’t all, the flat was so quiet at one point that I got scared, so I switched the TV, the kettle, the oven and I opened the windows to make me feel better. I actually was driving myself mad.

The worst part of all was that I was bored, I felt like I was at a stamp collecting convention, or that I was being made to watch repeats of ‘Sunset Beach’. The problem with being sick is that you can’t do anything; I didn’t have the energy to sift through the ‘funny’ articles on Digg, nor did I have the energy to play my Wii or even my Xbox.

Out of all this only one good thing has come out of it. I didn’t have to go to the gym! As anyone who reads this knows, I’m a lazy git, and see the gym as a necessary evil.

Anyway, it’s Friday, and I am alive, I’m not quite 100%, but I survived the Greer man-stopping virus. Special thanks go to the missus for the relentless cups of tea, the duvet company for keeping me cosy, and the Salon across the road for keeping me sane…btw, they had 56 customers on Wednesday, and 31 on Thursday.

Well today I’m Joe fans, I feel ill as can be. Proper man-flu. There’s only one good thing about man-flu, and that is the fact that everything you achieve makes you feel heroic (in-between the bouts of vomiting).

I made a sandwich for work today, and I swear I could hear Enrique Inglasis singing “I could be your hero baby”, and I thought…’hell yeah I can’, then I thought ‘sandwich: I’ll be your hero, until I eat you’ – which rather impressively (as the thought of food currently repulses me) is still alive in the works fridge (along with some kind of mouldy bread, a fork and some cheese cunningly disguised as milk.

I then got driven by the misuses (heroically might I say) to work, where I heroically turned on my PC, heroically started my work, then heroically (and I mean that in every sense of the word) drank a cup of tea from the works kettle.

Do not take this post as a desperate hunt for sympathy (however, any cups of tea would be appreciated), as shall be heading what must certainly be my death bed…how do I know? That’s easy:

Runny nose – check
Sore throat – check
Dry Eyes – check
Heroic death from man-flu – check

The funny thing about feeling ill is this. When a girl feels unwell, guys fall over themselves to make sure that her pillow is puffed up, she has plenty of tissues, and that she gets cups of tea on demand. When an average Joe feels ill/is dying from a bout of severe man-flu, does he get support from girls? Does he hell! You see they only give you enough help for a moderate/girly cold, but only men understand the urgency of full blown man-flu, or to give its full medical term, ohmygodimgoingtodiefromthissniffle-itus.

So Joe fans, its been a tough summer, and I think its going to be a tough winter for us men, just remember these three tips for survival.

1. Do not EVER let your missus place her cold feet on yours in the middle of the night because you’re “cosy”. The effect could turn YOU in to the one who is cold.

2. Playing football the night before will NOT help you sweat a cold out. It’s a stupid myth, that as you may have guessed I tried and failed at last night.

3. If you think the end is coming. DON’T FOLLOW THE LIGHT. We all know how sensitive our eyesy-wyses are when we have the flu that is man.

Good luck men. We’ll need it.