Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

He’s got a lighter.  Everyone down on the ground…

Smoking was never so dangerous – six police patrol cars were rushed to a scene where a man was carrying a hunting rifle in a Chinese city and the whole situation could have gotten very messy…if the hunting rifle wasn’t infact an oversized lighter.

Police in the Chinese city of Nanjing were suddenly inundated with emergency telephone calls claiming that there was a man on the loose brandishing a hunting rifle.

The police obviously responded to the emergency calls and were expecting a possible dangerous situation but instead they arrived at the scene to discover the man, clearly unaware that people around him were scared out of their skins, was simply carrying a gigantic lighter on his back.

“We sent out six patrol cars immediately, trying to stop the man before anything bad happened.

“On spotting the man, officers forced him to stop. The man was obviously very scared and said the gun was only a toy lighter, which he just won as an award in a restaurant,” commented a police spokesman.

Well, the flame was pretty hot.

After getting the supposed rifle back to the police station, the police tested the object but once they had pulled the trigger they realised the mistake that had been made as a small innocent flame poked out of the barrel of the gun.

Unfortunately the man who was allegedly stalking the streets with a deadly firearm was given a warning for carrying the lighter, which was confiscated.

The end of novelty lighters?

The news comes as fire officials in Louisville in the United States demanded that novelty lighters were removed from stores as they are apparently responsible for several deaths a year, although not because they are parading as hunting rifles.

The fire officers claimed that the lighters can easily be picked up by children who will play with what they think is a toy and then there is a strong possibility that a fire could start.

“Anytime a child can get to it and they think it’s a toy and they get by themselves in a closet and they’re playing with it and a fire starts, that’s the biggest concern we’ve got,” said Henry Ott of the Louisville Fire Department.

“Kids are playing with lighters, kids are cooking at home, using candles in the room, or they may lay a curling iron down.”

According to an arson investigator in Louisville children are responsible for around half of all fires in the United States.

No real proof…

However, the fires have not been connected with novelty lighters, partly because the United States Fire Administration only started to keep their eyes on the cigarette accessories since January of last year.

Although the move by the Fire Department doesn’t have the backing of some hardcore smokers, the plans do indeed have the unanimous backing of the Louisville Metro Council Public Safety Committee and the full council will be meeting next Thursday to vote on the move.

What do you think?

Is this proposal to ban joke lighters a good decision or is it just another example of how wrapped up in cotton we are as a culture?  Let us know…

A baby at 75…

It’s never to late to try something new – but in Paul-Louis Mariasusay’s case 75 years old is apparently not too old to parent a child.

Paul-Louis from London was shocked and thrilled at the news that his new wife, Gena, was to bear his child.  The news came to the pensioner just months after marrying Gena, who is only 38 years old – almost half Paul-Louis’ age.

The child, named Xavier, isn’t the first for Paul-Louis who has already brought two other children into the world, not to mention his 5 grandchildren.  Infact one of his children is actually older than Gena.

Paul-Louis, who used to work as a BT engineer, is said to be thrilled at Xavier’s arrival who was born at a healthy 7lbs 11ozs.

Born in Malaysia, Paul-Louis has been living in England for over 30 years but actually found his new love on a trip he took back to the Far East to visit his family.

Excited at the chance to be a father again…

Speaking about the birth of his son and how he is dealing with being a father at such a mature age, Paul-Louis stated how much he appreciated the chance to be a father to a small baby once again.

“I may be a pensioner, and it is almost 40 years since I looked after a baby, but I haven’t forgotten how to change a nappy and it is just marvellous to be a father again.

“I know that Michael Douglas and Cary Grant both became fathers again when they were older - but I am older than both of them,” said Paul-Louie.

“The baby came as a complete surprise. I had no idea that I could still become a father at my age but Xavier is a lovely gift.

“We soon became good friends and then I asked her to come to this country for a holiday - and while she was here I proposed to her. She accepted and then she never went home.

“I get plenty of comments about Xavier when I’m pushing him in his pram from people who think I am his granddad. I am proud of Gena and Xavier and I want to walk with my head up high,” he continued.

Not everyone is happy about the birth.

However, Paul-Louis didn’t hide the fact that his family had been against the marriage to Gena and didn’t take the news too well when they found out that the couple were expecting little Xavier.

Still, Paul-Louis wants to keep his focus on being a good father and bringing Xavier into a good family home.

“I will do everything I can to be a good dad - educate and provide for him and my wife.

“I just want to spend as much time as possible with my son and don’t want to think about the future - everything is perfect so far.”

Paul-Louis, Gena and Xavier live in Acton and were married in February of last year.

How would you feel?

Would you feel comfortable taking your baby to pick up your pension or do you think it’s a bit unfair on the child?  Share your views!

It’s OK – the problem has been solved…

Everyone can relax – stop worrying, the wait is finally over…a scientist has uncovered the mystery of “belly button fluff”.

Georg Steinhauser, an Austrian chemist, has found a type of hair that actually holds pieces of lint that are floating around the belly button and then drags them into the navel.

This news didn’t come without a bit of sweat or tears as Dr Steinhauser spent his recent free time studying 503 pieces of fluff from his own belly button over a three-year period.

And if you thought that the contents of the belly button fluff were simply bits of lint then I’m afraid that Dr Steinhauser has proven you wrong.  Inside the fluff apart from the lint you will find particles of dead skin, fat, sweat and dust.

And here’s the reason…

Writing in the journal, Medical Hypotheses, Dr Steinhauser claimed that the scaly structure of the hair promotes the “abrasion of minuscule fibres from the shirt” thus moving the lint into the belly button.

According to Dr Steinhauser’s study “small pieces of fluff first form in the hair and then end up in the navel at the end of the day”.

“The hair’s scales act like a kind of barbed hooks.  Abdominal hair often seems to grow in concentric circles around the navel,” continued Dr Steinhauser.

“The question of the nature of navel fluff seems to concern more people than one would think at first glance.

“We hope we have been able to provide information for doctors when they are next confronted with the simple question of ‘why some belly buttons collect so much lint and others do not’.”

No stranger to the strange…

Dr Steinhauser is no stranger to weird and wacky studies – he has also looked at answering the question of why his wedding band erodes.

To add to the study, Dr Steinhauser explained a number of methods of ridding the body of the unproblematic fluff.  If you found the fluff to be an annoyance then you should think about shaving the hair or even getting a belly button piercing fitted.

However, Dr Steinhauser was quick to remind shavers that the problem would resurface as soon as the hairs grew back.

Another tip from the doctor is to wear old clothes as they tend to shed less amounts of lint compared with newer clothes.

When you think that a new item of clothing can lose up to a thousandth of its weight over the course of a year then perhaps this isn’t as much of a laughing matter as you might have originally thought…

Maybe more valuable than we thought?

Of course, there are always viable reasons for keeping hold of the belly button fluff and one man that will definitely not be shaving his belly button or fitting a piercing will be Graham Barker.

Mr Barker has been building up a collection of the fluff since 1984 in hopes that he might one day see a picture of himself in the Guinness Book of Records.

The most expensive bottles of Vimto in the world?

Police chiefs have waster almost a quarter of a billion pounds of taxpayers money by investigating the so-called theft of 5 bottles of Vimto by other police officers.

The bottles of Vimto in question were discovered by two transport officers, Rob Mitchell and Kris Catterall. They found the bottles of the popular cordial inside an abandoned cardboard box next to a rail line.

However, they stepped out of line according to police rules as they should have brought the box in to the station where it should have been reported lost or stolen.

Unfortunately for the officers and the taxpayer, Mitchell and Catterall couldn’t contain their excitement and had to share the bottles as equally as possible between each other and other colleagues.

18 month suspension and an internal probe…

These actions led to the officers being suspended for 18 months until the ridiculous case against them was dropped.

However the officers had to wait for 8 months until lawyers decided upon a charge, being a fine of four wages each for the officers who were forced to plead guilty to neglecting their duties – a sum of £400 each.

Mitchell and Catterall still face an internal probe over the situation.

A waste of taxpayer’s money…

Still, the biggest upset over the whole issue has to be the fact that the investigation has cost the taxpayer around £200,000 and has been blasted as a gross misuse of money.

Matthew Elliott of the TaxPayers’ Alliance has spoken out about the situation, which he says could have been resolved without wasting so much time or money.

“This is an absurd and shocking waste of taxpayers’ money and utter incompetence on behalf of the senior officers involved.

“If disciplinary action needed to be taken it should have been done quickly and without wasting money. The police chiefs who oversaw this episode should be held accountable to taxpayers,” said Elliott.

Unnecessary stress on the officers!

Meanwhile, the officers in question will be feeling the stress involved with such a remarkably weird investigation as well as the approaching internal probe looming over their heads.

The chairman of the British Transport Police Federation, Alex Robertson, who is representing both officers involved in the Vimto issue, claimed that the whole situation was a huge upset for both the officers.

“To be suspended for so long over something so trivial will have put the officers and their families under great stress.”

Were they wrong?

However, in retaliation the British Transport Police have claimed that the officers they employ must remain devoted to the laws of the land if they expect to continue at their jobs successfully.

“The integrity of officers is paramount in maintaining public confidence and any failure to uphold our high standards will always be treated seriously,” claimed a spokeswoman for the British Transport Police.

How about you?

What do you think about the whole Vimto fiasco?  Do you see it as a complete waste of your money or are you on the side of the Transport Police who claim that their officers must remain observant of the laws of the land, even in the smallest of cases?

Is that a phone in your belly or are you just happy to see me?

A businessman who misplaced his phone on a beach magically turned up – inside the belly of a gigantic cod caught by a fisherman.

The man in question, Andrew Cheatle, thought the handset had been lost forever when it fell out of his pocket at the beach, however a week after the incident his girlfriend’s phone rang and on the other end of the line was the amazed fisherman who had found the handset in the belly of the fish.

Amazingly after pulling the phone out of the belly of the 25lb cod and drying it off the phone still works!

The fisherman that found the cod and the phone, Glen Kerley, used the phone to call Cheatle’s girlfriend, Rita Smith, who was shocked to see the old number calling her on her phone.

“I was messing about with my dog and my phone must have fallen out and been swept out in the swell. I kept calling it but I gave up hope after a couple of days,” said Cheatle.

The call came…

But then around a week after the incident, Cheatle’s girlfriend received the call and said to Cheatle, “Your old mobile number is calling my phone.”

“She said some guy was going on about my phone and a cod so she handed it over to me and he told me where he had found it,” continued Cheatle.

“I didn’t believe him but went to meet him and found it was my phone — a bit smelly and battered — but incredibly it still worked after I let it dry out.

“I thought he was winding me up but he assured me he had caught a cod that morning and was gutting it for his fish stall and that my Nokia was inside it - a bit worse for wear.”

Maybe it’s time to spring for a new one?

And now apparently Cheatle is still clinging on to his phone and still using everyday.

“It was working but it kept playing up so I had to get the circuit board changed in the end. But now it’s fine. I know it sounds a fishy tale but it is 100 per cent true,” claimed Cheatle clearly happy that he has been reunited with his handset and of course his address book as he runs an online retail company.

Not the first fish to have eaten a weird object…

Picking up the odd cod with a weird object in its stomach is apparently nothing new for fisherman Kerley who has claimed to have found a number of out-of-place objects in the bellies of the fish in the sea.

“I’ve found plastic cups, stones, teaspoons, batteries and I’ve also heard of someone finding false teeth in one.

“I know what it’s like to lose your phone. It can be really frustrating. So I thought I may as well make a few calls to see if I could get it back to him.

“It was a bit smelly but I was glad to return it.”

Running amok at 72…

It is true – we don’t age like we used to anymore…but in some cases we age in numbers only.  A teenager picked the wrong OAP to thieve from when she decided to run off with 72 year old Jean Hirst’s handbag, only to be chased and caught by the pensioner who used to be a world class runner.

Jean Hirst may have made a mistake by allowing three teenage girls into her car to help her with her directions, but the bigger mistake was made by the teenage girl who thought that running off with Hirst’s handbag would be a simple snatch and grab.

After all, perhaps not the best victim to steal from is one that could outrun most of the people in the world at the age of 17, which is exactly what Hirst could do.

All England Schools Championship.

Jean Hirst qualified for the final of the All England Schools Championship after gaining recognition for becoming her county’s 100 yards champion.

So when the teenage girl took off with the bag, Hirst regained her former glory by doing what she knew best – running.

“Suddenly I felt 18 again. The adrenaline just kicked in and I seemed to turn back the years,” said Hirst.

“She had a head start but I covered 70 yards in about 15 seconds and was within two strides of her when she looked over her shoulder and saw me.

“She probably thought I was an easy target but she shouldn’t have judged a book by its cover. The look on her face was one of sheer amazement and she just threw my bag aside.”

Run Hirst, run…

If anything this is a warning to the country to take a firmer hand on the obesity issues effecting the country.  But there is of course another lesson to be learned here, and that is not to underestimate an OAP!

Mrs Hirst is a widow from Mansfield and said that the handbag that was snatched contained “her life” from her keys to her purse.

Hirst stopped to ask three teenage girl for directions in Long Eaton in Derbyshire to which their reply was that they would get in and show her.

When they arrived at the location, one of the girls, who were aged between 15 and 16, asked Hirst for 20p which is when it was brought to her attention that one of the girls had pinched her handbag.

“Then she started running and that’s when the fun began. I was not as out of breath as I thought I would be at my age,” said Hirst.

Sorry doesn’t seem to be the hardest word…

The other two girls, who were caught as unaware by the whole situation as Hirst was, apologised for their friend.

“I just told them to choose their friends more carefully. There was no way I could detain them and at the end of the day I was just glad I had my bag back,” said Hirst.

Ozzy Osborne’s wife, the probably more famous these days, Sharon Osborne, has won libel damages from Britain’s classiest… newspaper, The Sun, after the rag claimed that Sharon was driving Ozzy to an early death.

The 56-year-old mum of Jack, Kelly and the other one that lives in a cupboard has been issued with an apology and a substantial sum of money.

Her solicitor slammed the newspaper saying that the allegations were “entirely without foundation” as well as being “extremely distressing, hurtful and damaging”.

Sharon didn’t bother going to court in London for the settlement in person.

She took a huff with the Sun after the article was published in October 2007 claiming that she was “driving her frail husband Ozzy Osbourne to destruction” and that she was working him “so hard she will kill him”.

The shoddy excuse for a newspaper alleged she ordered Ozzy to keep playing live shows because she wanted to go daft in the shops, spending a fortune.

The article went on to say that Sharon would be responsible for Ozzy’s death “like Tommy Cooper,” who famously died on stage.

Her Solicitor Mr Kelly said that Sharon had suffered from embarrassment and distress that she might kill her husband.

Patrick Callaghan, the solicitor for News Group Newspapers, issued a sincere apology, accepting that the allegations were untrue and should never have been published. They also paid for Mrs Osborne’s court costs.

A spokesman for the ex-X-Factor star said: “Sharon is delighted to have won her case. She would prefer not to have to take legal action against the media, but had no alternative in this case.

“Sharon and Ozzy are pleased that they can put this matter behind them,” she added.

In the media almost everyday for something completely inane like “Ozzy Opens Bag of Crisps” or “Sharon gains 0.000001 pound – she must be eating for two”, last year Ozzy won a libel case against fellow crappy paper, The Daily Star, over allegations he collapsed twice after a health scare which jeopardised the 2008 Brit Awards, where he was co-host.

Express Newspapers apologised and accepted the allegations were untrue and should not have been published. Idiots.

A builder living in Edinburgh scared the hell of a burglar trying to break in to his house by running at him dressed up as the Norse god Thor.

The bloke, Torvaled Alexander, was dressed up in a silver helmet and breastplate made of tinfoil (what else) resplendent in a red cape.

Mr Alexander had just returned from a new year’s fancy dress party when he discovered the startled burglar in his house trying to steal stuff. He ran at full speed screaming at the burglar who promptly turned and fled, leaping out of Mr Alexander’s 1st floor window.

Mr Alexander, 39, said: “We were both startled but then the instant reaction was that I ran at him and he just jumped straight out of the window.

“I think I would be quite scared if someone looking almost like a gladiator ran at them.

“He might have thought the property was empty.

“He probably would not have expected to meet a strong builder, especially dressed in tinfoil and silver.”

The rubbish burglar didn’t manage to steal anything but actually left his shoes and the garden fork he used to break in to the property behind.

The burglar landed ion a pitched roof below the window – breaking his fall – and made his escape.

Mr Alexander dressed as Thor not in honour of his Norwegian roots, but because of the Marvel comic book series.

He crafted his costume by himself using massive quantities of the shiny foil more often used for baking frozen goods.

The Norse believed that Thor rode his chariot through the heavens when a thunderstorm took place, pulled by two goats.

His hammer, Mjollnir, caused lightening to flash every time he threw it, and like a boomerang, it returned to him every time. He is generally considered to be a large, powerful chap with eyes of lightening and a big red beard.

So far Mr Alexander has not reported the incident to the police, and the (scaredy) cat burglar has not been caught.

In equally related and equally dumb news, a burglar in Chicago has helped the FBI by writing his threatening note to a bank teller on his pay slip.

The man walked in the Fifth Third Bank on Friday and handed the back teller a note that read “Be Quick be Quit. Give your cash or I’ll shoot.” It’s safe to assume that he meant to write, “Be quite”, stated the FBI’s affidavit.

The robber got away with $400, but left part of the note at the scene, with the other half left outside the banks front doors. The FBI say the man’s name and address were on his October pay slip, so they went to his house, and promptly arrested the fool.

He’s now looking at a 20 year sentence if convicted.

On Saturday over 14 million viewers tuned in to watch Alexandra Burke destroy the competition in an X-Factor that had it all…again…

Burke is a phenomenal talent, showcased by going toe to toe with the legend that is Beyonce. As Cheryl Cole said, it was amazing that she could even utter a note.

So I have to admit to being massively impressed, as she blew away JLS and the Quiglett with one great performance after the other. She may have won, but does she have the “X-Factor”? Well bejewelled old grump Elton John has had a foul mouthed tirade at the shows credentials – even though he is due to duet with Alexandra on New Years Eve.

The ever colourful Elton was playing at a concert in the 2 Area on Saturday night – while the hit TV show was on TV. He thanked the 20,000 strong audience for coming to watch him rather than sitting at home watching the show, adding that  he would rather have his “c**k bitten off by an Alsatian” than watch the X Factor. Crumbs!

Brilliantly as the concert ended an announcement came over the tannoy in the area talking about Elton’s duet with Burke. Meanwhile, Elton presumably sat in his dressing room with his foot firmly in his mouth.

This is not the first time he’s had a go at the yearly TV show as two years ago, he said: “The X Factor is a cruise ship show. I’ve got nothing against the people who go on - good luck to them. But I hate how they’re treated.

“They’re given an awful sense of stardom and pressure straight away but they’re only successful until the next series.

“The record companies sell a lot of records and those people are gone. It’s f***ing cruel.”

He is right though. I can’t actually tell you who the winner was in the first series, or the second or the third. I know that a Scottish guy won last year, but I think I’ve seen him once on TV since his win. This show does give the contestants a taste of fame, but you’d have to be really groundbreaking to have any last-ability – the fact that they always release a cheesy cover right before Xmas pretty much grinds my gears.

They get shipped about in limos, and get to play god gigs, but do they pocket the cash? Not according to the leaked contract that was published a week or so ago. They only get a tiny portion of the cash, and have to pay all their expenses out of it. And the guy pocketing all the money? The Stupid haired, high-waisted trouser wearing Simon Cowell. And in all honesty, fair play to the man. He’s had a great idea for a show, and all he has to do is slag people off for 99 percent of the show, before turning in to Mr Nice Guy for the final.

Congratulations to Alexandra, and good luck with Elton John, and well done to those attending the new year celebration in London – looks like you’ll get some extra  fireworks.

Well today I’m Joe fans, I feel ill as can be. Proper man-flu. There’s only one good thing about man-flu, and that is the fact that everything you achieve makes you feel heroic (in-between the bouts of vomiting).

I made a sandwich for work today, and I swear I could hear Enrique Inglasis singing “I could be your hero baby”, and I thought…’hell yeah I can’, then I thought ‘sandwich: I’ll be your hero, until I eat you’ – which rather impressively (as the thought of food currently repulses me) is still alive in the works fridge (along with some kind of mouldy bread, a fork and some cheese cunningly disguised as milk.

I then got driven by the misuses (heroically might I say) to work, where I heroically turned on my PC, heroically started my work, then heroically (and I mean that in every sense of the word) drank a cup of tea from the works kettle.

Do not take this post as a desperate hunt for sympathy (however, any cups of tea would be appreciated), as shall be heading what must certainly be my death bed…how do I know? That’s easy:

Runny nose – check
Sore throat – check
Dry Eyes – check
Heroic death from man-flu – check

The funny thing about feeling ill is this. When a girl feels unwell, guys fall over themselves to make sure that her pillow is puffed up, she has plenty of tissues, and that she gets cups of tea on demand. When an average Joe feels ill/is dying from a bout of severe man-flu, does he get support from girls? Does he hell! You see they only give you enough help for a moderate/girly cold, but only men understand the urgency of full blown man-flu, or to give its full medical term, ohmygodimgoingtodiefromthissniffle-itus.

So Joe fans, its been a tough summer, and I think its going to be a tough winter for us men, just remember these three tips for survival.

1. Do not EVER let your missus place her cold feet on yours in the middle of the night because you’re “cosy”. The effect could turn YOU in to the one who is cold.

2. Playing football the night before will NOT help you sweat a cold out. It’s a stupid myth, that as you may have guessed I tried and failed at last night.

3. If you think the end is coming. DON’T FOLLOW THE LIGHT. We all know how sensitive our eyesy-wyses are when we have the flu that is man.

Good luck men. We’ll need it.