Archive for the ‘Rant’ Category

Everyone these days has a social networking profile, but some are better than others in my opinion. We all have our favourite, so in an effort to stem today’s boredom, and have a bit of a rant, I’ve done a comparison of the three main ones that I’ve used: Myspace, Facebook and Bebo.

Myspace

What is it: Myspace wants to introduce you to loads of new people, catch up with old friends and hear new music.

Who’s it for: Although initially Myspace was used by alternative types (yes I was within the first 15,000 members) as a place to met other people, more commonly referred to as scenesters. A scenester, as you may or may not know, is someone who attaches themselves to the scene of the moment. If dance music is cool then they listen to dance music, dress like they listen to dance music, and also play terrible music. The same can be said for most genre’s of music but none more so that the Emo scene, or Emotional Hardcore scene. This means big hair, black eyeliner (girls and boys) and loads of pictures of hearts, stars and self took ‘emotive’ pictures of themselves frowning, along with other stereotypical stuff you can see in Kerrang! Magazine every week.

Why’s it good: It’s good because you can find cool people who you know, and cooler people you don’t. Myspace Music is genius, and when it first arrived was an amazing way of letting thousands of people hear your band – believe me its amazing when you hit 10, then 20, then 30, the 40 then 50,000 plays. Other cool stuff are ease of use, the photo albums and the ability to design your own profile.

Why’s it bad: Myspace has become the place that not-cool people go. I like to think of it as the overspill from Bebo. The music section is now over saturated, and the excitement of finding new music has all but vanished, because they’re not just your band that only you and know one else has heard of. Also the new site design is horrible, and it slows your PC down to a grinding halt if you have a slow one.

Facebook

What is it: Facebook is a way for people in suits to talk to each other about business, their kids, and look at each other terrible photos. It’s also the place your boss looks to see what you get up to at weekends.

Who’s it for: Facebook is for people with no imagination, and who feel the need to spy on each other.

Why’s it good: Some nice user-made apps, and can be handy for spying on someone you want to see fail.

Why’s it bad: Facebook is rubbish. It looks rubbish. The back end is rubbish. Sending inane gifts to people is pathetic. The people you meet all work in an office (probably yours). You get found by people that gave you hell at school, and think because you haven’t seen them for ten years, you’ve forgave them. You can’t do anything cool with your profile, and you have to rely on user made content to make anything remotely amusing. Facebook can go to hell.

Bebo

What is it: This is where the dreg’s of society go. This is like that club beside the awesome club that only cool folk get in. This is a microcosm of how much or society is in trouble. Bebo has been responsible for the suicide of a hell of a lot of people.

Who’s it for: Bullys and Schoolkids

Why’s it good: Its not.

Why’s it bad: design is terrible. Back end is terrible. People are terrible. Photo function is terrible. It’s terrible. The designer needs to go back to stacking shelves in Tesco.

The moral of this story is this:  If you are a remotely decent person who wants to find good new music (and doesn’t mind hunting for hours) then head to Myspace. If you are a guy in a suit – Facebook’s for you. If you are lazy, and want to bully people till they can’t take it anymore – head to Bebo.

I visited animal prison yesterday, otherwise known as the local Zoo. I love seeing animal’s, they are often fluffy, toothy, trunky, smelly, funny… but after a short time I started to feel really sad. It’s the monkeys and apes. These awesome creatures share 99 percent of our genetic make-up, yet they are the ones locked in cages. I swore that they were looking at all the buck-toothed passers-by gawping at them, and thinking to themselves “why me”.

No I know that they are there for a reason. They are bred in captivity to preserve the species, etc etc, but you can’t help but feel terrible.

I look at it this way: As a nation, we pretty much suck. Knife crime is through the roof, robberies are common place, the police are useless, the courts are pathetic, the government seems to brush over areas of the country with a magic brush that hides over this nations pathetic excuses for human beings, yet we hold creatures that probably have more intelligence in their left nostril than the majority of the dregs that pollute of towns, shopping centres and public parks in tiny little enclosures, that doesn’t exactly look very fun.

Now I’m not having a go at the zoo keepers, or zoo’s for that matter. Do I think more could be done to make these animals lives more bearable? Yes I do, but I understand that the government can’t afford to subsidise the zoo’s, and other animal sanctuaries, as they are too busy subsidising Vicky Pollard look-a-like’s with seven kids called; Briteni, Kristina, Briteni 2, Beckum, Roonney, Cher and Crystal Dimonnd the third.

Perhaps I’m being shallow-minded? Perhaps as a nation we are secretly terrified of a monkey rebellion, and this is a government’s way of quelling any thoughts of a primate takeover.

Anyways, I saw some cool animals, tortoises, giraffes, and I was about five feet away from 4 African elephants – amazing. That’s the great side of zoo’s. In our world these creatures can’t walk around freely without fear of some poacher hunting them down, so at least they are safe. I just wish that the government would do something to make their stay a little bit more comfortable.

So I’m sitting in my car, just chilling on my way to work this morning. Stuck in my usual 45 minute traffic jam, I was listening to the fat idiot Chris Moyles on the radio, I had my hot air blower on to de-steam my windows, school kids were walking past shouting/screaming/being kids, cars were beeping their horns, a workie was drilling in the road, and I was rapidly becoming the opposite of “chilled”…I was becoming, not-chilled…

I felt like William ‘D-Fens’ Foster, in Falling Down, I groaned to myself as I was surrounded by wave after wave of obnoxious noise. This noise was horrible, painful, if it was a person it would be Jeremy Kyle, and if it was a car it would be a Humvee. The oppressive nature of this racket was swiftly becoming agonising. I must have looked like a man possessed as I childishly stuck my fingers in my ears, in a vain attempt at drowning out this cacophonous din.

Once the traffic got moving the sense of relief I felt at getting to work was unbelievable. The silence was truly golden. It’s got me thinking though, gone are the days when I used to listen to music screaming out my car at a ridiculous volume. I used to look at people glaring at me and think, ‘what’s their problem?’, as I’m getting older, I’m realising that this was dumb. Now I’m the old git looking at daft chavs with intolerable dance music blasting from their windows, believe me, there is NOTHING cool about a repetitive drum beat that shakes you to the core.

When it comes to noise, the most infuriating thing is the washing machine. I can’t describe the noise my machine makes. It’s like having a dentist drill attached to a wall of Marshall Amps screaming its way around your flat. When it hits the spin cycle, I have to leave the room. Watching the television becomes instantly pointless, as you have to turn that up to hear it, and when the washing machine stops – suddenly and without warning – you get your face practically blown off by the idiot box.

I need to invent an anti-hearing aid. I don’t want ear plugs, because they make everything sound tiny, and I want to hear some stuff normally. So I need something that will allow me to adjust the volume – down the way – so I can handle the insane noise created by the world. I’m sure there is something already available, and a short Google search might prove fruitful, but the tapping of my keys as I type this is driving me daft.

Do you ever watch TV programs for a series, get all excited about it then it goes off for its end of season break and when season two comes round you watch three episodes then wonder why you even bothered with the first one.

It happened to me most recently with Heroes. Now everyone is getting excited about the new series, but I’m not even going to give it the time of day. Yes, yes the cheerleader is great to look at, but I really can’t be bothered with the repetitive storylines and dull characters. I’ve seen X-Men, so another program about mutants does not do the trick for me.

The best example of a TV programme losing the plot (almost literally in this case) was the unfathomable: Lost. This program enthralled me for about eight episodes, but then I started to get lazy, missed an episode and lost the plot entirely. By the time the second series started, I’d lost interest completely, and that was that. As far as I know, I’m not alone with that one. I often hear people complain about its storyline being confusing. Confusing? No not really, Stupid? Yes - entirely.

I think today’s culture has a lot to blame for our disposability. I’m happy to take or leave a TV program. Perhaps it the sheer amount of choice is to blame, the fact I could (if I wanted to) record/pause live TV, and watch it back.

The truth is I have no time. I can’t fully relax to dedicate an hour of my time to watch a programme that will not do anything to me, or make a difference to my life. I enjoy the football, because something is happening live, you don’t know what could happen, and it’s the same with the internet, I have the full control. I can view anything I like, when I like, and I don’t need to wait for 12 episodes to know what happens next.

Even the internet drives me mad at times. There is so much choice that you just wish someone could point you in the right direction. I do enjoy stumble upon, but have no time to even think about sitting for hours on end (which you could using that toolbar). Digg is full of rubbish, finding the time to sift through a few thousand badly written articles, by people with a poor grasp of English is hardly a good use of my time. But I digress.

The only programmes that have had lasting appeal for me have been cartoons like The Simpson’s, Family Guy, Futurama and other 20 minute long bursts of fun.

So to those awaiting the next season of Heroes, I’ll let you into some spoilers… all through the series there will be loads of close up, dark pensive shots of the cheerleader, some dark and pensive shots of that art guy, and some dark pensive shots of the police guy, looking pensive. Powers will be used, some for good some for bad. People will die, Heroes nerds will pass out with joy, and just when you can’t take the excitement, and it’ll break for the summer. Joy.

I’m finding it harder and harder to wake up. The dark mornings are creeping in, and my brain/body hasn’t quite adjusted. Every morning for the last week, my alarm has been told to “shut up”, and I pull the covers over my head.

People say that a morning shower wakes you up, and you’ll be bright and breezy till the end of the day. These people are commonly referred to as liars. Already this week I’ve tried various body wash things from various manufacturers that are supposed to “awaken the senses”, or “re-vitalise you for the rest of the day”.

This is surely some kind of breach of trading standards, no? This morning I felt that un-re-vitalised, and the only sensation I was feeling was tiredness. So how can these products be marketed legally? Maybe I’m just being grumpy because I’m sleepy now, and I still have half of my day to go, and to me that just reinforces the fact that these products do not work.

That’s got me thinking about other products that don’t do what they say they do. If I put linxs deodorant on, yes I may smell ok, but I do not have models launching themselves at me trying to tear my clothes off (gutted), maybe it’s because 90 percent of the UK’s men wear the same smelling stuff, the stunning models are confused, and just can’t decide who is the best mate.

Look at these supposed ‘active-digestro-bifidum-coleoraophome’ additives that they have in food, hair and make-up products, and don’t get me started on anti-aging creams, honestly, I won’t believe they work until I see an advert with a baby covered in the stuff saying “sh#t, I’ve used too much”.

The whole thing is a con, the immense amount of money made from these companies that peddle there products with they’re made up benefits, and formulas that their scientists named by spinning round for three minutes, then trying to spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, does my head in.

The sad thing is magazines, TV and the internet are rapidly turning this world in to something from a Flock of Seagulls video. Girls are caking on the make-up, and look pretty terrible for it. Ask yourself this: how many orange-skinned, bad-haired girls have you seen recently? Take it back ten years, and it was no where near as bad. It begs the question, what the hell are women going to look like ten years from now?

I’m sorry average Joe readers but I’m going to have to have another rant about Amy Winehouse. I actually cannot fully describe why exactly she drives me so insane. But I’ll give it my best shot.

So I woke up today and switched on the TV, then I opened my paper while enjoying my cereal, nothing unusual about that, however…One thing that I don’t like to see is an ugly, horse-faced, heroin junkie, with stupid Marge Simpson hair, no real talent, a tacky dress sense stumbling out of a club with a fag in her droopy mouth, and a oversized London bouncer holding her up.

Now, I’ve had my fair few rough nights out, its undeniable, however I don’t think I’ve ever looked as bad as this…

It’s not really the fag in her mouth, people smoke, whatever. It’s more the grubby skin, lank hair, cheap hooker look that disturbs me. She looks terrible; I had a real effort swallowing down my Cornflakes, and I felt a bit sick. Its probably one of the best reasons to stop drinking.

Her tattoos also suck, I have tattoos, I took my time to get custom work done so it wouldn’t look terrible, but I reckon hers were drawn on by a three year old, then coloured in by a cat with a brush.

And what amazes me is that people buy her album!!!! People need to stop this nonsense, why do you need to buy it. If you really want to hear it, download it for free somewhere, so that the record company gets annoyed and drop her, and she has no money, no fame, and I can eat my breakfast in peace.

I’m sure I heard she’s locked in her contract by her label for failing to produce a new album on time, but really they should buy an old Nova, attach a balloon to the exhaust, and rev that engine for 45 minutes, that’ll give you the same excruciatingly bad album as she’s likely to produce. And don’t get me started on “super producer” Mark Ronson - Noel Gallagher of Oasis put it right when he said, “some people don’t like me, but at least I write my own songs”.

I could easily rant all day about how much this is the UK’s fault. We love a car crash, but judging by the above picture its no wonder Americans think we all have wonky teeth and bad breath. Amy, you’re in the public eye, why not use it to do some good instead of perpetuating the English stereotype.

I’m calling a halt to the rant, because I don’t like swearing, and I’m getting angry. I’ll leave you with this: If you like Amy Winhouse, you are a fool.

Today’s words of wisdom are: “Never by a car from a greasy salesman.”

Sounds obvious right? But when they dangle that shiny new car in front of your eyes it’s pretty damn easy to get talked in to it, as I found out last week. A large car sales company, seen everywhere across the UK, should be trust worthy. It should be in their salesman’s contract: Be trust worthy-don’t be a total liar.

I bought a pretty mch brand new (2000 miles on clock/ex-display) car the other day, its nice to look at, and is fairly nippy, being a 1.9 turbo-diesel and all. I part-exchanged my older car (that too be fair had about 6 months left to live if I was lucky) and cut a great deal filled with wonderful promises. What I wasn’t promised is that I’d have it in the garage for a dodgy gearbox, broken window motor and a duff cd player.

So for the best part of the day I’ve sat getting angrier and angrier about my stupid luck. I should have known something would go wrong. I have a bad habit of getting the broken toy at Christmas, even though my brother got the exact same one - it even got to the point that my parents would wrap them both and swap them over loads of times before putting our names on it, but still each time I’d get the one that had battery acid pouring out, or something would blow up. When I was at school, I had a bad habit of wiping 3.5″ floppy disks (hands up if you remember those) by touching the metal slidy-bit and zapping it with my static power (always wanted to be a superhero).

So I have the car back, but I’m not happy. When I get home, I’ll be looking through the contract to see if i can take it back.

A hilarious US report published on Sunday claims that scales that prevent fish from the bites of rival fish may hold the key to the armour of the future. The ?groundbreaking’ study ?revealed’ that the lightweight, multi-layered design of its scales has helped the Polypterus senegalus survive for 96 million years, the team at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology reports.

The report appeared in the journal Nature Materials, the MIT team said they have unlocked the secret of how it works. Each scale is layered so it deflects the pressure of a crunching bite, they said.

Now, please allow me to interject - Us British folk are well aware of how scaled armour works…we had it over 4 centuries ago, not to mention the Greeks way, way back. The US didn’t have medieval times, yet somehow they believe they’ve gone and solved one of life’s great mysteries? Um, sorry chaps, but?someone else?got their first.

“Cracks do not travel far - the design forces cracks to run in a circle around the penetration site, rather than spreading through the entire scale and leading to catastrophic failure,” they said.

“Many of the design principles we describe - durable interfaces and energy-dissipating mechanisms, for instance - may be translatable to human armour systems,” MIT’s Christine Ortiz, who led the study, said in a statement.

With funding from the U.S. Army, Ortiz and colleagues carefully studied scales from P. senegalus, which lives at the bottom of freshwater, muddy shallows and estuaries in Africa.

What they should have done instead was rent out Monty Python and the Holy Grail. That would have saved them a whole load of work.

“The primary predators of P. senegalus are known to be its own species or its carnivorous vertebrate relatives, and biting takes place during territorial fighting and feeding,” Ortiz and colleagues wrote in their report.

It evolved the armour millions of years ago, when fearsome predators lurked. “In ancient times, many large invertebrate predators existed. For example, the carnivorous eurypterid was a giant arthropod that possessed biting mouth parts, grasping jaws, claws, spines and a spiked tail,” they wrote.

*slow clap*

This driver strike is really starting to get on my nerves. The tankers drivers and their ?huge amounts of responsibility? are just a bunch of greedy, idiots who are not garnering any sympathy from the public.

The British public has got it hard enough as it is - barely being able to afford fuel and when we finally scrape up enough cash to do a weekly fill; there is no fuel in the pumps. Well that?s just bloody fantastic huh.

Haulier chief Bernie Holloway told a newspaper: “I have no doubt it will get worse. We only have three days to replenish supplies before another strike starts. Stock levels will already be below where they were at the start of the dispute.”

Well that?s good news folks.

The worst part about this nonsense is that amount of money these guys want. They have already refused a wage of ?41,500. It makes my blood boil. These guys already earn more than teachers ? who teach our children to read and write, Nurses, paramedics, junior doctors ? who can save your life, bus/train drivers ? who are responsible for driving kids to school, hundreds of people a day. So why the living hell should some guy why drives a truck get more than them?

They claim it?s due to the hazardous nature of the contents. What? People in shops who get ?5.90 an hour have just as much chance to killing themselves in some way while doing their job. It?s pure greed. I know it, the public knows it, hell I?ll bet even the drivers know it.

The Government?s said a total of 647 petrol stations out of the UK’s 8,700, were affected in one way or another, including the Shell garages. Texaco has also said between 30 and 40 of its station had run dry, while Esso also reported problems.

Unite’s chief negotiator, Len McCluskey (and guy who gets all the backhanders) announced that the talks would resume as he visited a picket line at the huge refinery in Stanlow, Cheshire said, “We are pleased that formal negotiations will resume”.

It?s like playground stuff. People have always wanted something they don?t deserve. I for one hope the government steps in at some point and tells them if they don?t like it, quit.

I have to get something off my chest, I?m just going to come right out and say it - Linux is agonisingly dull.

Yes, yes I?m aware of its history and how it shaped the internet/applications, but it?s painful. Do I care what a Kernel is? Do I care if some nerd with milk bottle glasses, bad acne and no girlfriend has made a L33T!!1!!1 new rotating mega clock function ? that?DUM DUM DAAAAAAA?reads the time.

I like to think of myself as an average user of computers and the internet in general, I personally don?t know what?s ?wrong with windows? or how they are supposedly taking over the universe like some kind of disease ? but some people seem to.??

I recently had a huge argument with a friend who is a self confessed ?code nerd?.

Now, I?d like to make one thing abundantly clear ? I do not doubt her intelligence or anyone else who can write this stuff, its impressive that people can hold that much knowledge in their brains, but when she started to inform me that Windows was turning my brain in to mush due to its ?self contained lack of adaptability? or something to that effect, I feel I have to defend the average computer joe.

I explained to her, like a huge majority of user?s, I use computers for fun. I like to play games, I like to look at funny videos on the net and I like things to be hassle free. Point and click, if you will.?

I don?t want to have to worry about whether my database v3.667hge is going to splice in to my Ubuntu-debian-red hat 7.109-iou and blow the legs off my computer table.

I want things to be non-difficult like television or a light switch. You switch it on, and it works. Good times. I like things easy, because you should keep the hard stuff for work and the fun stuff for when you?re chilling listening to music on a media player that doesn?t force your PC to be re-booted every time you switch it on because of one botch line of code.?

When I was done ranting, and took a breath, she practically had tears in her eyes. You?d think I?d just kicked her baby by the way she was looking at me.

Do I feel bad for rubbishing her favourite thing: maybe a little? But when it?s the other way round, Linux fans are remorseless vampires sucking on the blood of the innocent PC/laptop user.??

Perhaps I should adopt a live or let live policy, but to be honest, I?ll be sticking with Windows because I never need to worry that my clock is wrong.

And, as if I need to validate my point that Linux sucks ? typing ?Linux sucks? in to Google returns 284,000 pages. Stick that in your pipe, and smoke it.