Archive for the ‘Games’ Category

Last night I sat to watch a film I’d missed at the cinema, and that a few of my friends had recommended: Juno. As I’m a man of the digital age, I opened my Xbox360s disk drive, and popped the DVD in, I sent that DVD back into the Xbox and jumped to the couch and changed the tv channel to my Xbox’s output.

Then nothing. No picture. But a glimmer of sound, I turned the volume up on the remote and I could hear the start of the movie, I franticly changed cables around to rectify the problem, but nothing would work, I’ve got crystal clear sound coming from my TV, but no blooming picture.

In a near fit of rage by this point – I should probably note that I wasn’t entirely bothered bout the film, more about my broken console – I found myself cursing at my luck. I looked at the heavens and said: “why me?”

Now it maybe sounds a bit dramatic but I’ve already lost one Xbox 360 from the red ring of death, and it was 3 days past the year mark, so I had to do a lot of begging to get it changed, but this time I have no chance. I’m so gutted aswell, because if it is a major problem I can’t afford a new one, and with Gears of War 2, Fifa 09, Fallout 3 and Call of Duty 5 out just in time for some Xmas presents to me, I couldn’t be more annoyed.

I’m hoping it’s just a cable problem, but its annoyingly expensive way to know - £15 after a quick check online – but its better than a whole new console.

It got me thinking about Xmas (again) and how I always seemed to get the broken toy. It’s actually become a bit of a family joke because every year when I was younger, even if I got the same toy as my brother, mines would be broken. It got so bad that my parents used to wrap both presents up then swap them round until they didn’t know which was which before putting our names on them – for me to still receive the broken one anyway.

I used to have this crazy ability to break anything technological. I remember getting yelled at in secondary school for handing a report to my computing teacher on a 3” floppy disk, only for it to be blank. The only explanation I had was that I got a static shock when I picked up the disk (on the metal shutter bit) so must have wiped it – and it happened more than once. Maybe I’m a superhero? Staticman – Zapping bad guys all over the place just don’t come near me with a fork. I’m like a violent Uri Gellar when cutlery is involved.

It’s fair to say that I am addicted to something that used to be bad, but is now much better: FIFA 09 on the Xbox360. Now anyone who caught my previous story about the lack of Xbox360 enthusiasm I’ve had recently will be surprised to hear that I’m back in love with the machine that has broke down more times than my first car.

I must admit disappointment initially as I bought it from Game Station and they don’t use cellophane anymore, so I the excitement of bursting open the packaging was non-existent, but the joy of reading the manual on the way back home (I made the missus drive so I could read it) was present, and I couldn’t wait to get it home on the big white heater/console.

As I ran – I’m not even kidding – into the living room, and bounded over to the Xbox, I swore I could hear the crowd at the Reebok stadium chanting my name, perhaps more accurately was my missus asking me ‘how long I would I be playing the game for?’ I nervously looked round…”why?” I asked, knowing fine well that X-Factor was on, and I she missed it, my life would be hell for an entire evening.

Now in these credit-crunch times or as I like to call it, BBC-Buzzword times, I have but one decent sized TV, and one really small one from our first flat. The natural reaction was for me to volunteer to use the small TV (which I’d have to manhandle from the other room, and set up thus eating in to my valuable playing time), but the puppy-dog eyes saved the day and the missus said she would watch the small one. “Great”, I said as I turned to set up the game on the big TV…

Guilt is a funny old thing. As I dived in to the first game, as the mighty Bolton…stop laughing at the back… I heard my missus struggling with the small TV in the other room. So pausing it (sounds easy, but it took me about 30 seconds to find a suitable moment) I went through to see my lady practically dragging the TV through. ‘All this for bl##dy X-Factor’ I said to myself, but, as chivalry isn’t quite dead, I grabbed the TV and heroically set it up in the living room - after about 20 minutes of rewiring the house.

Now the big TV is on with Bolton vs. Chelsea in the background, and me shouting at it like it’s a real match, and the missus sitting with the small TV watching Simon Cowell dish out some abuse, that I had to move on to the living room table so it was close enough for her to see – like when Father Ted tries to explain the difference between a cow that is far away and a toy that is close up (YouTube it). Who says living with a girl is tough…

It dawned on me last night that I’ve not played my Xbox360 for about 2 months. It doesn’t seem that long, but I used to play it to death – I even killed one from overheating during a marathon game-fest on Xbox Live, and I’ve worked my way through every rank on Call of Duty 4, I’ve played Halo 3 for hours, and I mean hours on end, Gears of War was a particular favourite, but now my consoles gathering dust.

I know what the problem is though: I fell out with Xbox Live or more specifically, the people on it.

After you do something so much, it becomes a chore, and loses all sense of fun. I think there is only so much abuse you can take from the millions of people I’ve spoke too over a crappy plastic headset, and it brought me to the conclusion. Xbox live is full of #@$%’s.

I used to regularly play with this one guy from Texas, good guy (as far as you can tell over a headset anyway) but he always used to have these tag-a-longs, who did my head in. His little buddies used to argue amongst themselves, sing down the headsets, and worst of all scream down the microphone. That is not fun.

Another guy I used to play with from Colorado, again decent guy, but he always argued with his girlfriend/sister/whatever, every time he played. I could hear her say stuff like, “are you still playing?” and other dumb questions that were clearly rhetorical, if she’d just open here eyes and not her gob for a second.

So I guess I got bored of the Xbox, not just because of these two, but because of other annoying, whiny little kids that somehow think its ok to call you an “English so and so” (I’m not English), but then quit out if you retort.

It does my head in. Sometimes you could get a retort in so fast that you could make these kids quit out though embarrassment. Like the one kid who gave me so much crap in the lobby, then got put on my team, and had to keep asking for my help. I shot one of his assailants who dropped his weapon, only for this kid to yell “I’ll take the turret” to which the natural reply was “I’ll bet you do”…the silence was golden. The quitting out was instant. The glory was well and truly mines. Come to think of it, that was the last time I played.

I’ve moved on to the Nintendo Wii now, its no where near as cool/manly, but I don’t have to listen to little kids whining that I’m beating them, or hear stupid redneck girlfriends/sisters/both if their partner/brother/both has finished playing yet. When I go home, I may well put the Xbox on, but I’m not sure, looks like it could be an eBay job…

I’m having a ‘feeling old’ moment right now. I was in town the other day and I heard a kid, maybe 10 years old, going mad at his parents because, they wouldn’t buy him an Xbox360. His parents tried in vain to calm him down, explaining that they had no money right now for things like that, and that he’d have to save up his pocket money, but he just wouldn’t shut up, accused them of child abuse, and screamed the place down…

I can’t remember ever acting like that, but a quick phone call to my folks conformed that although I “had my moments” I was never disrespectful to them. I remember wanting consoles when they first came out, I remember the birth of the NES, the Game Boy, the SNES, the N64, the DS, the Wii, and that’s just Nintendo…Atari ruled my little world when I was a kid too, and then Sony and then Microsoft, and I’m sure it’ll go on, and on (much to my wife-to-be’s annoyance). But this got me thinking, where did it all begin for me?

This first time I even saw a computer game was when my uncle, who was always ahead of his time, brought out an Atari 2600 Cartridge system. I remember (vaguely - I was about three or four at the time) playing Pong with these little dial controllers, and then using a joystick for the first time (all under the watchful/threatening-break-it-and-die eyes of my uncle (I think he bought it in 1977, so it was about 7 years old, but vintage, it was special to him). I was bitten by the games bug, and every time I went round with my parents for a visit, I’d plead to have a go of the console.

The first computer/games machine I owned/got bought was the Atari 1040Ste, a classic system that let me play Double Dragon, Golden Axe, and Ninja Rabbits (only now do I realise how daft that game was). The system was my first taste of gaming at a competitive level, my brother two years younger than me used to want to play, I’d let him, then beat him so bad he didn’t want to play again till the next day - I was exactly like my uncle was with his first console, watching over it making sure it was ok, at all times. I feel a bit bad now, because when it appeared I had no idea of the cost. I’m not from a rich family, and I think my folks lived on beans on toast for about two months to pay it off.

After a year or two of playing these games to death, I made a friend at school who had the holy grail of gaming - the Nintendo Entertainment System. This was the pinnacle of gaming to me at that time. Megaman and Mario ruled our lunch break at school (he lived round the corner) and I was gutted when we fell out over a girl, no more NES, but the girl was mine - however, victory was short lived because she ditched me a couple of days later, and my NES days were dead in the water.

Luckily for me, PC’s were starting to get popular not long after this point, and my uncle - again ahead of his time, introduced me to Doom on his P68 desktop computer. The carnage was amazing to behold, the blood, the guts and the glory of kicking some demon-like alien butt. Excuses to visit his cats were made on numerous occasions, but every time (after five minutes of patient/not so patient/lets hope the cats get bored soon, waiting) myself or my brother would ask to play Doom.

December 1992, Xmas morning to be exact, was the day my 11-year-old earth stood still. I’d begged for the latest console (in a nice way I think, unlike the kid at the start of this tale) and somehow, my prayers had been answered. Again, mega-props go to my, by now debt-ridden folks, for buying me a Super Nintendo Entertainment System, or SNES. “Take that old friend with your crappy NES, what? Oh he got one too? Damn!” My victory was once again short lived. No matter, I had the ultimate Xmas toy!

Xmas morning was filled with the sounds of fighting between me and my brother as we wrestled for the one controller that came with the box - nice on Nintendo, but it was one of the best days of my young life! Games like Street Fighter, International Super Star Soccer, and Mario 3 had truly kick-started my addiction, which carried on remorselessly in to Playstation, N-64, Xbox, Xbox360, DS, and currently Wii. Yes, I know it’s a girl’s console, but I still enjoy jumping around my living room, shooting stuff just like when I was lad!

I don’t think I’ll ever grow out of games, and I still get excited about new releases and developments. I like the fact Sony is failing with PS3 and PSP, and I like the fact Nintendo has revitalised itself with its Wii and DS. I can’t wait for Gears of War 2, Halo 4, Fable 2, and other games that push the boundaries of believability. When you compare the first game screen I ever saw, to the latest graphics fest, I still hold those first gaming experiences very close to my heart, and will do forever.

I love my Xbox 360, I never tire of its awesomeness. Xbox Live has been one of my favourite pastimes for a few years now - my to my fianc?’s annoyance. Often brutally challenging, sometimes joyfully simple; you’ll always find someone to play, and generally have a good night.

The story of xbox live can be an exciting one; switch on, p0wn some n00bs, frag some more, abuse a few people, get abused, play them again, discover your not so different, form a clan, become uber nerds, win team contest, get sponsorship, get big bucks, fall out with everyone claiming “this team is nothing without me”, retreat to your mansion with ten hot chicks, then repeat.

Ok so maybe not quite that exciting, but you may well get about as far as to form a clan with likeminded chaps/chapette’s and have dweeb-fests where in-between gunshots and ?nades going off are the subtle sounds of cheesy puffs being eaten by some kid, probably with L33T or W00T in his name, whose braces cause him to make a kind off slushing sound when he talks. Don’t even try deny there isn’t someone you’ve played like that.

To ensure you are getting the best out of your gaming experience, here are a few things you should remember…

1. Gaming is not supposed to be fun

That’s right. Gaming is damn serious. I can’t count the amount of times I’m had some wee kid tell me I suck at Halo, or some 35 year-old Kevin Smith look-a-like from Texas calling me a red-kneck because I didn’t see that ?nade coming. According to people like that I should probably just kill myself.

The reason for this aggressive alpha male attitude is quite simple. In the real world, these kids and nerds are the guys who get dumped upside down in the toilet at school or still live in their mums basement and probably are a tad bitter about still being a virgin.

2. N00bs Suck

It’s always tough being the new guy. Just imagine how difficult it is to come in to the world of online gaming where clans run rampant. These clans often employ dirty tricks to boost their scores, like having one weak ?friend’ in their team so that when the game picks out player matches, they end up playing lower ranked people.

Listen up. Listen good. If you can’t beat ?em, join ?em. Turn in to the bad guy - get out there and p0wn some n00bs yourself. Think of it as the circle of life; the strong ones picking off the weaker ones.

Oh, and after the match be sure to proclaim that “W00T (we owned other team), and that N00Bs Suck”.

3. Lag is always to blame.

If you lose, you can rest assured that it was nothing to do with the fact you guys just plain suck. It was definitely Lag. All too often I hear the cry “but I shot him ten times and he didn’t die!!!111!! WTF!!!??111!!?”

4. “For gods sake!!?!11″

God gets blamed a lot too in my experience, but that’s a bit unfair, sure some folk say he created man- but a be-spectacled, acne ridden nerd with a plastic headset on who thinks he was a commando was probably not what he had in mind.

Stop blaming religion, as in number 3, its just more likely you suck like a Dyson.

5. Calling people ?gay’ is always the best policy

A favourite among gamers, this classic insult is hurled so much that the people saying it must be gay themselves.? I remember with fondness as a young man with a brutally prominent lisp insisted on calling the entire pre-game lobby gay. Needless to say it backfired on him as everyone was in hysterics, and he promptly quit out.

Remember though, its ok to use it your self, for example; this lag is gay, this map is gay, your mum is gay, these weapons are gay, Europe is gay…the list is endless but defiantly - if the end was ever discovered - would end in the word gay.

Of course, Xbox Live should be fun for everyone, but if you are prepared to fight back, or even start a fight, then it becomes more fun. We’re not cave men and women any more but the world is all about who has what and who the leader is. Maybe if you assert your n00b-like authority you might gain some respect, until then - I’ll see you at the bottom of the scorecard.

You n00b.

The Guinness Book of World Records has always been a bit of a joke and now with the addition of one of the most gruelling records to be broken is that of ? drum roll please - ?the world?s longest handshake?.
Previously held by a couple of Germans, two men from San Francisco ? Kevin Whittaker and Corey Jens ? have smashed the world record by half an hour with a time of 9 ? hours. Although The Guinness Book of World Records has still not confirmed the feat ? the two participants are confident for their inclusion.?

I know what you?re thinking ? it?s probably, of all the records in the world, why did you pick that one?

??I looked up what some of the weakest records were,? Whittaker said. ?I’m not going to break the 100-meter dash record, but I thought I could break this record.???

The rules ? that right, rules ? from Guinness were fairly simple: Handshakers are not required to look each other in the eye or exchange pleasantries; they simply must grip palms and continuously move their hands up and down.

?Sounds easy enough, but the two had to endure the discomfort of sweaty palms, arm cramps and, worst of all, bathroom breaks. By the end of the day they went on to a hotel bar, where they celebrated their ?victory? with a bottle of Champaign.?

Speaking of the experience Whittaker said, ?It’s not that fun, believe me. I’m a little tired. My shoulder is tired. In fact, it’s extremely painful.?

?Naturally this led me to looking at the insane world of record breaking. Here are some recent, um?winners? Here?s one thing that, if you were bored enough, you could easily beat:?Reuben Williams unwrapped and ate five Ferrero Rocher chocolates in one minute at De Hems in Soho, London, UK, on 30 November 2007.?Get your name in the book forever more, good luck ? you probably don?t need it.?