This weeks daftest story is the one about the five over-sized, cast iron sculptures of spiders that have been removed from a round-a-bout in West Sussex, because they could “scare motorists and make them crash”.
Artist Stuart Slade was ordered to remove his artwork after a women called to say they had terrified her and her children.
Slade, said he was “gutted” about having to take away the ten foot wide ‘attractions’ which have human faces from the roundabout in Arundel.
Artists have displayed their work there for the past 15 years. The Highways Agency admitted it had received just one complaint.
“It has been investigated and there is a risk to the safety of drivers,” a spokesman said.
The sculptures have, however, been found a new home at Arundel Castle, the home of the Duke and Duchess of Norfolk.
As my get-fit-quick-without-doing-any-hard-work fitness regime pretty much sucked, I decided to bite the bullet and join a gym…
In the UK, fat people are everywhere, after my archery escapades of a few days ago; I decided that I don’t want to get obese, so it was time to do something about it.
Next problem was to find a suitable gym. I’m my area there are plenty on offer, but being a cheap git, I decided I’d have a look at the community gym. The foyer looked nice which was a good start I reckoned, but after a quick tour of the facilities it was decided that it was not for me. Having to queue for gym equipment was not what I was there to do, the pool was pretty disgusting and if I’m being truthful, I like it if the equipment looks nice to use.
So, a swift exit I went to the local big gym that is part of a large UK chain. This place had a better reputation, it was in the dead centre of town and it was a similar price to the community gym. Only problem was it was cramped, excessively cramped. Everyone in the gym looked like complete scum, and either looked like they wanted to fight me, or they were too busy checking themselves out in the mirror.
The sales women and I mean sales - it felt like I was buying a car - kept telling me how much better I could look (as if my self esteem needed more of a thumping) plus they didn’t have a pool, so I was out of there.
With light fading fast, and my will to live draining from me, I needed to find something suitable. And finally I did. I went to a big gym, that was a bit further away than I expected and was more expensive, however, it had really nice equipment, with sky television in the cycle machines, mostly average looking people, a couple of Adonis’s, and a varied age range. The pool looked great and there was a sauna, steam room and loads of classes for the missus. And to make it better the sales assistant was really friendly, and told me that I looked great (it may be untrue, but it’s nice to hear a proper compliment).
I’ll be hitting the gym with a vengeance from now on, I’ve been twice already, got bossed around by a personal trainer who could probably lift me above his head, and I’ve discovered that a Jacuzzi makes you float all over the place. Good times.
If like me you’ve been watching the Olympics over the past week, you’ll have been impressed by the myriad of talented athletes, in all of the disciplines.
A week before the event started in Beijing I had itchy feet and wished I was good at a sport. I had a rummage around online to find something to do, that would win me that gold medal I think I deserve…
Not normally an easy task, I agree, however, to add to the difficulty curve, I had five things to remember.
1. Whatever I decided to do needed to be relatively cheap (we’re in the midst of a credit Crisis after all)
2. Whatever I decided to do would have to involve my fianc?. (I didn’t feel like having a sleeping on the couch crisis after all)
3. And whatever I decided to do would involve not running around (were in the middle of an obesity crisis after all)
4. It needs to be something I can learn with ease. (I’m in the midst of a no-real-talent crisis after all)
5. I need to be able to easily defeat my fianc? at all costs. (a man-up crisis would have to be avoided….um….after all?)
So armed with the knowledge of all the above, I searched for days to fi…ok, I searched for hours to fi… ok, I searched for precisely 12 minutes to find if there is a sport that I can achieve all of the above.
And then I found it. In my head I created a master plan: I’d train for around the same amount of time as it takes to cook a PopTart, I’d order a super saver train ticket to London for 2012 ( if I book now, much cheapness) , and I’ll come back with a gold medal around my neck…for Archery.
Solid plan right? We’ll you’d think so. I took myself and my lady to our local archery club: a large barn in the middle of nowhere and this is where I began to realise just how much I suck at all sport.
On the way I made the school boy error of telling her how much I’ll ?kick her ass’, and that ?if I can aim at the TV with the remote, I can hit a giant board with a pointy stick’. Playing it cool was not an option.
The guy who was training us asked me right away, ?why are you here?’ I replied that I think that I’d be good, and that it always looked quite easy, to which he smiled/grimaced in a way that would terrify Freddy Krueger…
After a few minutes of showing us all the parts of a bow and arrow (plus a few more for sniggering at the words ?shaft’ and ?cock’: regular terms in archery apparently) we stepped up to the line, and my brain started doing overtime: ?this bows quite heavy,’ I said to myself, looking up at the target… ‘and that big round target that fills the TV screen at the Olympics, looks damn tiny from this massive distance’. “Exactly how far away is the target?” I asked, panicking slightly. “20 metres”, he replied, “but if you want to win the Olympics its 75″
“S##T”
My missus, takes her first shot, and hits the board (which is about 5 feet square) but not the target in the middle (about 2 foot wide), in a bout of over confidence I laugh, but inside my mind is thinking “%&*?$%$ ^%$?&^& ?$%?&)&^$”.
I let loose, all my earlier confidence shooting away with the arrow, only for it to completely miss the whole thing - even the huge backboard - and land somewhere in the back. I look toward my missus to see a cloud of smug forming over her head. Great.
This lesson lasted a full embarrassing hour. I did get better, I hit the board a few times, but my Olympic gold is far away. My fianc? however was bloody brilliant: hitting though target repeatedly, making the drive home unbearably painful, I felt like when I was six and I went to touch the hot oven, my mum said ?that’ll hurt’, but I did it anyway, and yes, it hurt like hell.
So in conclusion, I failed. And most disappointingly I failed number 5. If anything this has taught me that to win an Olympic medal, you have to be phenomenal at your chosen discipline, but if they ever start channel flicking events, I’m there.
The term “wardrobe malfunction” has been included in the Chambers English Dictionary for the first time.
Pop Star Justin Timberlake made the euphemism famous at the 2004 Superbowl when he ?accidentally’ exposed one of Janet Jackson’s breasts. For those who can’t remember it was during a half time show and it was her right breast.
In the dictionary the phrase is defined as “the temporary failure of an item of clothing to cover a part of the body that it would be advisable to keep covered”.
Alsso added to the dictionary for the first time are WAGs (that’s wives and girlfriends of footballers FYI), nail bars (something to do with nails one would presume) and social networking (made famous by Myspace,Facebook, and Bebo).
Mary O’Neill, editor in chief, said: “The new words paint a vivid picture of current interests.”
Revealing the strict selection process for words and phrases, she added: “We’ve been watching words like WAG for a long time but we don’t want words that are ephemeral or just the buzz words of the moment.”
Loud mouth, fame-clinging, racist boil on the backside of humanity, Jade Goody, is reportedly heading in to the celebrity Big Brother House…in India.
In a classic WTF!?111?11??!! moment, Goody, who as not a lot of people can forget went on a racist rant directed at Bollywood Star Shilpa Shetty, has agreed to enter the Indian BB (called Big Boss over there) which in another ?twist’ is presented by Shilpa Shetty.
Ever the money grabber, Jade doesn’t come cheap. The Sun newspaper reported that she’s getting paid ?100,000 to take part in the show.
“Jade wasn’t sure when she was first approached because she was worried about how the Indian housemates and public might react,” a source told the paper.
“She was really upset about everything that happened after the scandal last year. She really wants to clear her name and prove to everyone that she’s not a racist.”
But, she is a racist. The fact that a bit of time has past, does not stop someone’s views (that’s their actual - in her case probably inbred - views).
I hate Big Brother and everything it stands for, and I’m proud to say I’ve avoided the last few like the plague. But, what I don’t understand is how the woman who called Shilpa, “Shilpa Popadom” and slagged off the way she ate her food, is allowed a) to appear on television ever again, and b) makes more money than the majority of the UK’s residents.
Her original rant got 50,000 complaints to Ofcom and in India people were burning effigy’s of the loud mouth who once referred to her lady-parts as her “kebab”, yet this complete arse is allowed to make a fortune off the back of all this. How the hell does she deserve this, I’d love to put her on a desert island with just a gun and a single bullet, and a note saying ?it’s for the best’.
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s gigantic inflatable dog crap. You actually can’t make this stuff up.
A Swiss museum is paying the price for showcasing some supremely crappy art, after the massive -house-sized - doo-doo floated free from its moorings, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake.
The ?art’ by Paul McCarthy, an American ?artist’, took out a power line before landing on a nearby children’s home, where it broke a window. The teacher probably s##t themselves at that point…
The artist had supposedly secured a safety system that deflated the infla-poo in bad weather but his work, the not so cleverly titled: Complex S##t, got caught in a sudden gust of wind, which blew the faeces into the air.
The incident happened two weeks ago, but sadly has only been revealed this Monday. The exhibition is still running, but no news yet on whether the giant poo ill make its re-entry…
Reportedly (ok, just me) the artist is in hiding now, but exhibition members are said to be fuming, and say if they ever catch the artist, then the s##t really will hit the fan.
Smooth talking television and radio presenter Terry Wogan has cast even more doubt over whether he will present/narrate at next years Eurovision Song Contest.
The BBC legend, who is 70-years-old, said it was “doubtful” if he’ll ever want to present the world worst pop contest ever again, after Russia’s controversial ?victory’ in Belgrade last year.
After 37 years presenting the show, Sir Terry said he was tired of the “political voting”, and wanted to hand the reigns over to a younger host.
He said: “I’ve had so much fun, but I think it’s time for someone else. Days before the show, I knew Russia would win.” The Radio Two presenter made his comments in a Radio Times interview. He first threatened to quit Eurovision after the controversial result in May.
He said: “This is no longer a music contest.”
As if you didn’t know, Eurovision is just an excuse for you-scratch-my-back-I-won’t-bomb-your-country, type voting that is generally filled with sub-par pop-acts.
I don’t know anyone who watches the show now-a-days anyways, apart from old granny’s.
Terry was the only reason to continue watching the show for many Britons. But I for one understand why he wants to jack it in. His sarcastic comments which used to be biting have become lazy, it seems its difficult to be scathing, when the passion is gone.
A Manchester United Junior who was described by Alex Ferguson as an “outstanding” player, was today awarded over ?4.3 million in damages over a tackle that ended his career.
The money that midfielder Ben Collett will receive is set to increase when sums for his future loss of pension and interest on part loss of earnings are calculated,
At the recent hearing, Manchester United boss Sir Alex said that Collett had an “outstanding chance” of becoming a full-time professional if he’d have escaped injury.
Collett join Man Utd when he was nine-years-old, and was involved in the youth teams FA cup win in 2003. It all ended in tears though in his first game for the reserves in May 2003 when he had his right leg broken in two places by Middlesbrough FC’s Gary Smith.
Smith and his club accepted liability for the “negligent” tackle, so all that was left to do was decide how much insurance he could get from the team.
Mrs Justice Swift said she realised that were it not for the injury Collett would have been offered, in July 2003, a three-year professional contract with Manchester United.
Sir Alex told Manchester High Court during the earlier hearing: “I thought the boy showed fantastic focus, a great attitude to work hard and they are qualities to give any player an outstanding chance in the game.”
The court heard that Collett could have earned more than ?13,000 a week, making a total in excess of ?16million, if he had played until the age of 35.
United legend Paddy Crerand said the youngster was a [Ryan] Giggs type of player and could have gone on to become a household name.
How many cheerleaders can you fit in an elevator?
In the University of Texas, twenty-six cheerleaders wanted to find the answer to that question.
Like something from every teen boys dream, the group of 14 to 17 year old girls were attending cheerleading camp when they decided it would be a great idea to try the experiment.
Unsurprisingly, they got stuck when after they’d crammed in the lift, it couldn’t handle the weight and screeched to a halt trapping all 26 ?geniuses’ inside.
Remarkably, one of the cheerleaders had just enough brain cells to make an emergency call to fire-fighters who had to rescue them.
One girl was treated at the hospital and another two were treated on scene after the disastrous prank.
“The lift went down to the first floor but then the doors of the overloaded elevator wouldn’t open,” officials said.
“After a few panicked cell phone calls, police and fire-fighters were called to the scene and it took a repairman about 25 minutes to fix the door,” police said.
Stuffy UT officials didn’t find the prank very funny.
“It’s dangerous, actually,” UT police spokeswoman Rhonda Weldon said.
